02.01.2015

On new years eve I was devastated and so at 4am I booked tickets to come to Portugal .. Now here I am.

I've been trying my best so people wouldn't know I'm sad but it took me so much energy that now I can't anymore. I came to the point that I just want to face that I am not fine and that I need help. I cannot do it by myself anymore.

When I went to the doctors she said that I'm suffering from depression .. I kind of knew it I just told myself it would be fine. But then my friend said that I had been saying that for a long time which was true. 

I couldn't sleep last night and eventually when I managed to, I dreamt about him. I am not sad because he doesn't feel the same way or because maybe he does but does not want to admit it. I am sad because I don't know how to let go, because I'm such a fool and can't even distance myself just because I know it'll be complicated for him and my friends. But things have to change . I need to do what's best for me now .. I just don't know how. I have had strong feelings for him for over a year now and I don't know how to stop. I never thought I would ever have to feel this way again.. 

Nothing gives me joy anymore. I love the fact that I am studying what I wanted and that I am where I wanted to be. Why can't that be enough ? Why do I still have this pain inside ?

I want to fight, I want to enjoy life, do what I'm scared of doing, so many things .. but atm I feel so empty, I only feel like being in bed the whole day. I feel like there is no purpose for life. But I know that is not true and I fight everyday of my life with this feeling .. I do everything I can to feel better, not to worry people. I hope one day I will be able to understand why this happens to people, especially to people that don't really do anything bad .. I mean, I made a lot of mistakes, I got drunk a lot of times but I did deal with the consequences of my acts and I never ran from them. 

Life can be pretty unfair .. but it's okay. I don't mind suffering as long as people who I love are fine.

My best friend, she's worrying me as well .. She's in love with this guy and he definetely has strong feelings for her as well. She is willing to do anything to be with him but I'm scared that he won't be .. and it'll break her heart. She'll have to go back to Australia in March and then I won't be there for her .. she deserves all the best. She's such an amazing person and so kind .. she has suffered so much in her life and I just want it to work out for her .. She doesn't deserve to suffer more, especially not to end up heart broken. I know it sounds like "oh, the boy doesn't love her or doesn't wanna be with her, so what ? forget about him and move on .." the problem is that unfortunately being heart broken is the worst feeling in the world .. you're heart broken because someone left .. and the feeling of lost is something that I cannot describe. It kills you inside .. the only thing that is left is pain, an endless pain. That's how I feel right now and I don't want to for anyone especially not for her ..

Life isn't easy and people have to fight in order to hold on but .. people need time as well. As I was in the airport to come I saw this book wich title was "The year I met you" and I kind of identified myself with it . I turned it in order to read what was on the back of it and there was this sentence "Sometimes you have to stop still in order to move on.." what a coincidence han ? I don't believe in coincidences. I think everything happens for a reason and I probably needed to know this .. I need time. I need to let myself be down, sad and then I'll be able to be fine .. I mean, we're trying to let something heal and isn't this how scars heal ? you have to let it bleed, let it hurt but it gets better and better and eventually it scars out. It heals but the scar stays .. because nothing in the world is forever but you don't forget what hurt you once .. because it made you who you are and in order for it to hurt you had to love it and you never forget things you love. In fact, there will always be little things, unsignificant things that'll remind you of how much you loved and how much it hurt.

My grandma is really ill as well. She can't move properly anymore or do things by herself. Today she told me that there is nothing more sad in the world than us wanting to do something but not being able to. So true!

Everything makes me wanna cry but I don't want to cry anymore . I feel so alone .. I don't feel like my heart is in pieces anymore. It feels like it is bleeding out .. it feels like it's burning and bleeding with no ending at the same time. I don't want to feel this way anymore .. I really don't. I want to be strong for my friends and myself. Be able to answer "I'm fine" and actually mean it.

It is so weird how something can make you so happy and at the same time it can destroy you. I don't want to live not loving .. I don't want to live afraid of loving and still I do. Just the thought of losing someone I love breaks my heart. 

I don't know how to let go and I don't know how I'm going to do this .. I know it'll be fine eventually but right now I feel like I don't know how to survive, I feel like I'm stuck .