I haven't written here in a long time .. Actually it has been more than a year. I prefer to write it down in a notebook. I guess the writting with pen itself helps. Atm I am not able to write there so why not write here as I really need it right now. 

Things have been really hard, I couldn't get back to uni in September as I didn't have enough money for it. I want this degree so so much but I think it's time to let go .. I will never have the money to pay uni in England so I started to think what else a could do. Being in Germany over Christmas made me feel home again .. Made me see how much I miss having stability in my life. I always have to do all by myself, I gotta stud and work, I gotta work and be alone. It is hard .. like really hard. I feel like I am living the life I should live when I turn 30 or so. I miss having a normal student life or have a place I can call home. Now I am back to England again to work. I did not want to come back .. I have been struggling so much. Everyone is studying for exams so there is not really anyone around to do something and I only start work on the 10th of Feb. I have been locked inside for a week because I can't bring myself to go outside. 

There are so many things bothering me atm. I don't even know how to express myself or how to get help. I am not doing counselling or online CBT or anything but I thing I need it. I feel like I need someone to tallk to .. I can't always bother my friends, I feel like a burden to them. I can't tell my parents either and I think that's what kills me the most. I am in so much pain, hurting so much and I know they love me and care about me but I have all the responsabilities for myself. If I want to study I gotta work, even to buy anything. It is not about the money, it's just the attitude that hurts. They have no idea how I feel and I guess they don't consider that it is hard for me .. They always just criticise what I do because I am always here, then go to Germany, then Portugal.. but I just want to see my family, try to figure out what my best options are as I always have to do it on my own. I know, it sounds silly but livig it is quite hard, I wish I could tell them .. They always tell me when they are not fine or anything really and I just can't. I feel like if I do I am hurting them, I am being one more worry. i don't know why but I feel like I have to take care of them . 

I don't know why but when I am sad I look into the mirror and tears just fall down my cheeks. I cannot explain why, but it is like looking myself in the eyes and see the reflection of my pain. The worst is that I know it'll be the same with my brother and if I don't work to save money for him too he won't be able to go to uni. I don't want him to go through what I am going through because it just doesn't feel fair. 

I have lost myself in the process of loving someone, I shut everyone even myself out. I was numb, I couldn't feel anything anymore or cry. I was just empty and I feel again, I cry almost everyday but I still keep losing myself. I feel like everyday that passes I lose a bit of myself too, I don't know who I am anymore or what I believe in. I don't even have dreams anymore and the ones I have I am giving up on them and that is just not me. It's just that I am killing myself in the process of fighitng for it and I cannot let that happen .. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be here .. I feel like there is nothing left for me, but still I stay. Maybe I still have some hope and that is what is killing me. I gotta stop .. I just don't know how to stop without regreting it for the rest of my life. I never ask anyone for help, but right now I really just wished I had someone who could help me.

#FJ

I've been trying to sleep for more than an hour and a half now and I just can't.

I found myelf looking at goodbye quotes. 

Today I felt better .. I mean it was horrible to get up but once I did and went to dinner with my friends I felt better and after I got back I actually managed to study and focus but then .. then I heard a friend asking about the person I like and asking the other friend if he was with a girl. I'm not angry or sad .. it just hurts. 

I want to move on and be able to let go .. I thought I was letting go but I don't know anymore. 

After I found out that he lied and everything, I don't feel like talking to him. I've been so cold to him but I can't help it. 

I feel like there's no one out there for me .. I was never scared of being alone, and I am not. I'm just scared of being lonely. I was never sure I wanted a family or have kids because of everything I experienced but I do know that I want a family now. 

I want Christmas to be special again, I want birthday parties to make sense again. Family dinners. 

Being with my brother made me realise how much I've missed him and i already miss him again ! I love that kid so much, i'd do anything for him, all I want is for him to be happy!

I feel like I'm ready to love, I'm ready to let someone in but it hurts so much at the moment .. If at least I could sleep ..

I have an exam tomorrow and I feel like I am so fucked, today I was able to study and focus but the moment I heard what I heard, I just couldn't anymore .. I tried. I kept on studying but nothing else came in. 

I want to be able to hear the alarm in the morning and stand up, but instead I feel sick and empty and I can't get up. at night I can't sleep and during the day I don't want to get up .. I feel like I don't have anything to get up to. But it's not true ! 

I'm trying to keep it together, but I'm falling apart ..

I felt like I needed to change, not as a person because I like who I am, what I had gone through made me who I am. But because I felt that in order to move on I needed to be someone else, I had to change some things in my life. I felt stuck in my own self. 

Some people in these situations cut their hair, I decided to dye mine. I'm brunet and I had blond tops .. Now I got kinda red/purple ish hair. I think my way of dressing is changing as well .. not sure what that means yet.

I guess when people start feeling different they start to act/be different as well. My friends always tell me I look better when I have blond tops or highlights or whatever .. but I don't really care at this point. I didn't do this to look better or pretty. I needed a change .. 

Today I feel really sad again. I don't feel like seeing anyone or talk to anyone .. It's horrible. My mum is always pressuring me to go see whoever all the time and I just don't want to .. I think she's starting to realise that something is wrong but, she doesn't dare to ask .. I guess it makes sense, she never really does. 

The worst is that I need to study so badly and I just can't. I'm getting desperate .. I sit in front of my laptop for hours trying to focus and listen to my lecture podcasts and I just can't do it .. I'm so scared. Exames are in a week and I can't study or sleep .. so unmotivated.

It's almost 3 am so not really the 4th anymore but .. I haven't been able to sleep. Yesterday I found something out. I found out that even when we forgive people and try our best to be their friends they still disappoint you and lie to your face.

It's sad when someone tells you that they know you wouldn't lie to them but then what they do is lie to you. I guess not telling things is fine, no one has to tell anyone anything, but looking someone in the eyes and lie is just painful.

I managed to study today .. I feel better. I guess knowing made me block all the feelings. I'm scared, so scared of seeing him again. I can't let it all come up, it she cannot happen.

I want him to be happy and have everything he wishes for but I cannot be part of his life anymore in anyway .. I thought we were fine and friends now, but I guess in order to be friends with someone you have to respect them.

I am hurt. So hurt .. I don't want to see o talk to anyone .. it's so so bad. Everytime I eat I feel like trewing up and I have all the food crossed in my throught. Makes me feel sick.

I don't really know why I'm writing all these things .. it doesn't really make me feel better. I don't want to be dramatic, I feel ridicouls for the fact that I feel this way. I mean, I am happy for all I have an thankful so why does such an insignificant thing make me feel this way ? It has taken away my joy to live .. I don't understand. I wish I was strong .. but I am not. I just want to hide and not be with anyone. Nobody needs to see me this way .. nobody needs to be worried, people have their own problems as well and don't need one more just because I'm heart broken and cannot deal with it.

Life isn't easy and no one is happy all the time, it is impossible and it's okay because life would probably borrying otherwise. Everyone needs some adventure, some adrenaline, pain in order to create their personality. It just didn't have to be so unfair .. There should be an equilibrium. But, it's okay .. I guess as long as the ones we love are happy and healthy we should be happy too.

I'm so worried about my exams as well .. got so much to study. Today I got some things done but I've been struggling to .. So unmotivated. I feel like I need to be sad, devastated and let it all out in order to be okay. I just can't do that .. I don't have the time. I guess in time things will get better .. 

On new years eve I was devastated and so at 4am I booked tickets to come to Portugal .. Now here I am.

I've been trying my best so people wouldn't know I'm sad but it took me so much energy that now I can't anymore. I came to the point that I just want to face that I am not fine and that I need help. I cannot do it by myself anymore.

When I went to the doctors she said that I'm suffering from depression .. I kind of knew it I just told myself it would be fine. But then my friend said that I had been saying that for a long time which was true. 

I couldn't sleep last night and eventually when I managed to, I dreamt about him. I am not sad because he doesn't feel the same way or because maybe he does but does not want to admit it. I am sad because I don't know how to let go, because I'm such a fool and can't even distance myself just because I know it'll be complicated for him and my friends. But things have to change . I need to do what's best for me now .. I just don't know how. I have had strong feelings for him for over a year now and I don't know how to stop. I never thought I would ever have to feel this way again.. 

Nothing gives me joy anymore. I love the fact that I am studying what I wanted and that I am where I wanted to be. Why can't that be enough ? Why do I still have this pain inside ?

I want to fight, I want to enjoy life, do what I'm scared of doing, so many things .. but atm I feel so empty, I only feel like being in bed the whole day. I feel like there is no purpose for life. But I know that is not true and I fight everyday of my life with this feeling .. I do everything I can to feel better, not to worry people. I hope one day I will be able to understand why this happens to people, especially to people that don't really do anything bad .. I mean, I made a lot of mistakes, I got drunk a lot of times but I did deal with the consequences of my acts and I never ran from them. 

Life can be pretty unfair .. but it's okay. I don't mind suffering as long as people who I love are fine.

My best friend, she's worrying me as well .. She's in love with this guy and he definetely has strong feelings for her as well. She is willing to do anything to be with him but I'm scared that he won't be .. and it'll break her heart. She'll have to go back to Australia in March and then I won't be there for her .. she deserves all the best. She's such an amazing person and so kind .. she has suffered so much in her life and I just want it to work out for her .. She doesn't deserve to suffer more, especially not to end up heart broken. I know it sounds like "oh, the boy doesn't love her or doesn't wanna be with her, so what ? forget about him and move on .." the problem is that unfortunately being heart broken is the worst feeling in the world .. you're heart broken because someone left .. and the feeling of lost is something that I cannot describe. It kills you inside .. the only thing that is left is pain, an endless pain. That's how I feel right now and I don't want to for anyone especially not for her ..

Life isn't easy and people have to fight in order to hold on but .. people need time as well. As I was in the airport to come I saw this book wich title was "The year I met you" and I kind of identified myself with it . I turned it in order to read what was on the back of it and there was this sentence "Sometimes you have to stop still in order to move on.." what a coincidence han ? I don't believe in coincidences. I think everything happens for a reason and I probably needed to know this .. I need time. I need to let myself be down, sad and then I'll be able to be fine .. I mean, we're trying to let something heal and isn't this how scars heal ? you have to let it bleed, let it hurt but it gets better and better and eventually it scars out. It heals but the scar stays .. because nothing in the world is forever but you don't forget what hurt you once .. because it made you who you are and in order for it to hurt you had to love it and you never forget things you love. In fact, there will always be little things, unsignificant things that'll remind you of how much you loved and how much it hurt.

My grandma is really ill as well. She can't move properly anymore or do things by herself. Today she told me that there is nothing more sad in the world than us wanting to do something but not being able to. So true!

Everything makes me wanna cry but I don't want to cry anymore . I feel so alone .. I don't feel like my heart is in pieces anymore. It feels like it is bleeding out .. it feels like it's burning and bleeding with no ending at the same time. I don't want to feel this way anymore .. I really don't. I want to be strong for my friends and myself. Be able to answer "I'm fine" and actually mean it.

It is so weird how something can make you so happy and at the same time it can destroy you. I don't want to live not loving .. I don't want to live afraid of loving and still I do. Just the thought of losing someone I love breaks my heart. 

I don't know how to let go and I don't know how I'm going to do this .. I know it'll be fine eventually but right now I feel like I don't know how to survive, I feel like I'm stuck .  

Today I made something I should probably have done a few years ago. 

Friends have been telling me that I'm depressed and some experiments I had to due for uni wrote me back saying that maybe I should get help as I have depression syntoms. So I called the GP today and I got an appointment for wednesday. I'm not sure what to tell them .. I mean, in the end it'll be fine right ?

I ..

#FJ

It's been a while since I have written .. I've been avoiding it.

Well, last time I wrote something I was struggling, waiting for a decision. I made it, I got to go back to the place I wanted to.

But unfortunately, with happiness comes pain. 

There's this boy I've been in love with and this feeling is consuming me. Everyday I wake up and I don't want to get up. I have an empty space inside and everyday I have a smile on my face. I feel so ridiculous. How is it possible that feelings for one person affect your entire life ? Your mood, your happiness, your motivation.. everything. 

Everyday I tell myself it is going to be okay. I know it will. But at the moment it just hurts so much .. I want to get over him but everytime we look each other in the eyes I feel like there is still something there. I know, such a fool .. 

 I've been scared of loving for the past 5 years. I didn't let myself fall for anyone .. I had my crushes but that was it, I never let it be more than that and suddendly ..

Suddendly I found myself in a place I loved and I thought 'why not?'. I guess the question was obvious .. I should know better than anyone else. My heart was still in peaces and he helped me putting them together. It didn't take long until it was in peaces again .. 

I can't talk to people .. everyday I pretend I'm happy and it just kills me the moment I get back to my room. I talk to my best friend she is the only one I can talk to without feeling like I am annoying her. But was on exchange last year so she had to go back home a while ago. I miss her so much .. it feels like something is missing. 

I want to be fine, I try to convince myself that I am fine. Afterall it's just love for a boy .. just a broken heart.

But, I can't bring myself to do anything. The past two days have been bad, I spent most of the time in bed. I felt so so sad that it made me tired and left me with no strenght. 

We have been having up and downs since I got back and now it is fine. I can say that we are friends now .. and honestly I am happy for that.

Can you imagine being friends with the person you love after not talking at all for months and before that you were seeing each other ?

Don't take me wrong, I am not complaining. I'm just not sure how I am suppose to live with such pain. Everything comes back, it's making me weak. I miss everyone so much! Makes me want my great family times back. God, how I miss it .. 

Why is it so hard to let go on something ? 

I've been finding myself crying everyday .. Most of the time I even wonder why.

I try so hard to hold on, I really really do. I try so hard to be okay and not feel sad. But the moment I'm alone I just can't control it anymore ! I feel so ridiculous ! I have everything I need to be happy .. why do I let my feelings destroy me like this ? This is not how I want to live .. I want to be passionant about things, I want to love without being scared of lost, Ii want to be motivated and fight for what I love and want to achieve.

I know it will be fine, it is sometimes.. but the feelings are still there and as long as they are, it won't be okay. It will always be up and down .. okay with people because I can't be sad with them .. and lonely the moment I enter my room.

#FJ

#FJ

Sometimes we think our life is miserable, I mean, it might be for us but others might think we just like to make it that way. There are people starving, without family, people who have nothing and I guess that those people feel devasted but try to live, they fight everyday of their life's to survive. But if we think about it, isn't that what every single person does ? Does't everyone have problems and suffer in their own way ?

I question myself a lot of times if we really can be happy. Happiness happens but it never lasts, there are always something that cuts that happiness. So why do people always say that all they want is to be Happy ? I get it and I don't get it at the same time! 

I'm not one of those people who starves or doesn't have a family. In fact, someone that doesn't know me, would think I have a great life and I should be smiling and be greatful for it. Isn't that the way every person thinks when they have no idea about your Life even though they think they know it all ? But then again, why should be care about what others say ? We should olny care about those who Love us and even then, do they really just want the best for us ? It all started when I was nine years old and was about to move to my home country which ended up being everything but my home country. 

Do you know the feeling when you think everything is going to be okay but then everythings ends up exactly the opposite ? Well, I thought I was moving for the best, even though my father was going to stay there, my mother and my brother were moving as well. 28th of May 2002, the day my life changed. We were all at my aunty's and we were saying goodbye since I had no idea when I would see my dad again. Suddenly I enter my cousine's room and my parents looked so serious... As a child, innocent, I asked what  what had happen.

I was born when my mom was 26, it had been my dad's second marriage and his 3th child; before me he had already had 2 children, a girl and a boy. My dad moved a lot, mostly to try to give us a better life but because of that, he didn't get to see my brither/sister a lot so he just saw them once a year and sometimes not even that. I can't say I was very close to them or that I knew them, I mean, I would just see them once a year and sometimes not even that but one thing I was sure about. They were  part of my family and even though I might not have known what love was, I loved them, I loved them because they were family! Do you know the feeling when you go back to a place and all you want to do is see the ones you missed the most ? Yeah well, every summer I asked my dad if we could go see them; I missed them ! The last summer we spent together  as a family, I asked my dad if we could go visit them. His answer was "we'll go next year".

My mom was the one telling me what happened. I can still hear her saying it, "Your aunty just called...your sister had an accident." she didn't have to say anything else. Her words reached my heart like an arrow and more tears fell from my eyes. I might have been just nine but I felt it all, I knew exaclty that I would never see my sister again. 

How do we know if there's Tomorrow ? We don't ! Remeber what my dad answered me when I asked if we could go visit my sister/brother that summer ? Well, there was no next year anymore. My sister was gone and I didn't have the chance to see, talk to her one last time. Not because i didn't want to but because my dad thought we could do it another time. I don't blame him, I understand why but reminding it makes me sad.

After this I went through a lot in my life which changed who I was and made me who I am today. I could write everything that makes me sad, everything horrible I had to live but I won't. I will never forget my past and I don't want to because I am who I am because of it but i don't want to bring it back, bringing it back would devastate me. 

Now I want to focus on my present and on the people I love.

#FJ