Effect of love

It's been a while since I have written .. I've been avoiding it.

Well, last time I wrote something I was struggling, waiting for a decision. I made it, I got to go back to the place I wanted to.

But unfortunately, with happiness comes pain. 

There's this boy I've been in love with and this feeling is consuming me. Everyday I wake up and I don't want to get up. I have an empty space inside and everyday I have a smile on my face. I feel so ridiculous. How is it possible that feelings for one person affect your entire life ? Your mood, your happiness, your motivation.. everything. 

Everyday I tell myself it is going to be okay. I know it will. But at the moment it just hurts so much .. I want to get over him but everytime we look each other in the eyes I feel like there is still something there. I know, such a fool .. 

 I've been scared of loving for the past 5 years. I didn't let myself fall for anyone .. I had my crushes but that was it, I never let it be more than that and suddendly ..

Suddendly I found myself in a place I loved and I thought 'why not?'. I guess the question was obvious .. I should know better than anyone else. My heart was still in peaces and he helped me putting them together. It didn't take long until it was in peaces again .. 

I can't talk to people .. everyday I pretend I'm happy and it just kills me the moment I get back to my room. I talk to my best friend she is the only one I can talk to without feeling like I am annoying her. But was on exchange last year so she had to go back home a while ago. I miss her so much .. it feels like something is missing. 

I want to be fine, I try to convince myself that I am fine. Afterall it's just love for a boy .. just a broken heart.

But, I can't bring myself to do anything. The past two days have been bad, I spent most of the time in bed. I felt so so sad that it made me tired and left me with no strenght. 

We have been having up and downs since I got back and now it is fine. I can say that we are friends now .. and honestly I am happy for that.

Can you imagine being friends with the person you love after not talking at all for months and before that you were seeing each other ?

Don't take me wrong, I am not complaining. I'm just not sure how I am suppose to live with such pain. Everything comes back, it's making me weak. I miss everyone so much! Makes me want my great family times back. God, how I miss it .. 

Why is it so hard to let go on something ? 

I've been finding myself crying everyday .. Most of the time I even wonder why.

I try so hard to hold on, I really really do. I try so hard to be okay and not feel sad. But the moment I'm alone I just can't control it anymore ! I feel so ridiculous ! I have everything I need to be happy .. why do I let my feelings destroy me like this ? This is not how I want to live .. I want to be passionant about things, I want to love without being scared of lost, Ii want to be motivated and fight for what I love and want to achieve.

I know it will be fine, it is sometimes.. but the feelings are still there and as long as they are, it won't be okay. It will always be up and down .. okay with people because I can't be sad with them .. and lonely the moment I enter my room.

#FJ