12/01/2015

I've been trying to sleep for more than an hour and a half now and I just can't.

I found myelf looking at goodbye quotes. 

Today I felt better .. I mean it was horrible to get up but once I did and went to dinner with my friends I felt better and after I got back I actually managed to study and focus but then .. then I heard a friend asking about the person I like and asking the other friend if he was with a girl. I'm not angry or sad .. it just hurts. 

I want to move on and be able to let go .. I thought I was letting go but I don't know anymore. 

After I found out that he lied and everything, I don't feel like talking to him. I've been so cold to him but I can't help it. 

I feel like there's no one out there for me .. I was never scared of being alone, and I am not. I'm just scared of being lonely. I was never sure I wanted a family or have kids because of everything I experienced but I do know that I want a family now. 

I want Christmas to be special again, I want birthday parties to make sense again. Family dinners. 

Being with my brother made me realise how much I've missed him and i already miss him again ! I love that kid so much, i'd do anything for him, all I want is for him to be happy!

I feel like I'm ready to love, I'm ready to let someone in but it hurts so much at the moment .. If at least I could sleep ..

I have an exam tomorrow and I feel like I am so fucked, today I was able to study and focus but the moment I heard what I heard, I just couldn't anymore .. I tried. I kept on studying but nothing else came in. 

I want to be able to hear the alarm in the morning and stand up, but instead I feel sick and empty and I can't get up. at night I can't sleep and during the day I don't want to get up .. I feel like I don't have anything to get up to. But it's not true ! 

I'm trying to keep it together, but I'm falling apart ..