26/01/2016

I haven't written here in a long time .. Actually it has been more than a year. I prefer to write it down in a notebook. I guess the writting with pen itself helps. Atm I am not able to write there so why not write here as I really need it right now. 

Things have been really hard, I couldn't get back to uni in September as I didn't have enough money for it. I want this degree so so much but I think it's time to let go .. I will never have the money to pay uni in England so I started to think what else a could do. Being in Germany over Christmas made me feel home again .. Made me see how much I miss having stability in my life. I always have to do all by myself, I gotta stud and work, I gotta work and be alone. It is hard .. like really hard. I feel like I am living the life I should live when I turn 30 or so. I miss having a normal student life or have a place I can call home. Now I am back to England again to work. I did not want to come back .. I have been struggling so much. Everyone is studying for exams so there is not really anyone around to do something and I only start work on the 10th of Feb. I have been locked inside for a week because I can't bring myself to go outside. 

There are so many things bothering me atm. I don't even know how to express myself or how to get help. I am not doing counselling or online CBT or anything but I thing I need it. I feel like I need someone to tallk to .. I can't always bother my friends, I feel like a burden to them. I can't tell my parents either and I think that's what kills me the most. I am in so much pain, hurting so much and I know they love me and care about me but I have all the responsabilities for myself. If I want to study I gotta work, even to buy anything. It is not about the money, it's just the attitude that hurts. They have no idea how I feel and I guess they don't consider that it is hard for me .. They always just criticise what I do because I am always here, then go to Germany, then Portugal.. but I just want to see my family, try to figure out what my best options are as I always have to do it on my own. I know, it sounds silly but livig it is quite hard, I wish I could tell them .. They always tell me when they are not fine or anything really and I just can't. I feel like if I do I am hurting them, I am being one more worry. i don't know why but I feel like I have to take care of them . 

I don't know why but when I am sad I look into the mirror and tears just fall down my cheeks. I cannot explain why, but it is like looking myself in the eyes and see the reflection of my pain. The worst is that I know it'll be the same with my brother and if I don't work to save money for him too he won't be able to go to uni. I don't want him to go through what I am going through because it just doesn't feel fair. 

I have lost myself in the process of loving someone, I shut everyone even myself out. I was numb, I couldn't feel anything anymore or cry. I was just empty and I feel again, I cry almost everyday but I still keep losing myself. I feel like everyday that passes I lose a bit of myself too, I don't know who I am anymore or what I believe in. I don't even have dreams anymore and the ones I have I am giving up on them and that is just not me. It's just that I am killing myself in the process of fighitng for it and I cannot let that happen .. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be here .. I feel like there is nothing left for me, but still I stay. Maybe I still have some hope and that is what is killing me. I gotta stop .. I just don't know how to stop without regreting it for the rest of my life. I never ask anyone for help, but right now I really just wished I had someone who could help me.

#FJ