06-01-2015

I felt like I needed to change, not as a person because I like who I am, what I had gone through made me who I am. But because I felt that in order to move on I needed to be someone else, I had to change some things in my life. I felt stuck in my own self. 

Some people in these situations cut their hair, I decided to dye mine. I'm brunet and I had blond tops .. Now I got kinda red/purple ish hair. I think my way of dressing is changing as well .. not sure what that means yet.

I guess when people start feeling different they start to act/be different as well. My friends always tell me I look better when I have blond tops or highlights or whatever .. but I don't really care at this point. I didn't do this to look better or pretty. I needed a change .. 

Today I feel really sad again. I don't feel like seeing anyone or talk to anyone .. It's horrible. My mum is always pressuring me to go see whoever all the time and I just don't want to .. I think she's starting to realise that something is wrong but, she doesn't dare to ask .. I guess it makes sense, she never really does. 

The worst is that I need to study so badly and I just can't. I'm getting desperate .. I sit in front of my laptop for hours trying to focus and listen to my lecture podcasts and I just can't do it .. I'm so scared. Exames are in a week and I can't study or sleep .. so unmotivated.