04-01-2015

It's almost 3 am so not really the 4th anymore but .. I haven't been able to sleep. Yesterday I found something out. I found out that even when we forgive people and try our best to be their friends they still disappoint you and lie to your face.

It's sad when someone tells you that they know you wouldn't lie to them but then what they do is lie to you. I guess not telling things is fine, no one has to tell anyone anything, but looking someone in the eyes and lie is just painful.

I managed to study today .. I feel better. I guess knowing made me block all the feelings. I'm scared, so scared of seeing him again. I can't let it all come up, it she cannot happen.

I want him to be happy and have everything he wishes for but I cannot be part of his life anymore in anyway .. I thought we were fine and friends now, but I guess in order to be friends with someone you have to respect them.

I am hurt. So hurt .. I don't want to see o talk to anyone .. it's so so bad. Everytime I eat I feel like trewing up and I have all the food crossed in my throught. Makes me feel sick.

I don't really know why I'm writing all these things .. it doesn't really make me feel better. I don't want to be dramatic, I feel ridicouls for the fact that I feel this way. I mean, I am happy for all I have an thankful so why does such an insignificant thing make me feel this way ? It has taken away my joy to live .. I don't understand. I wish I was strong .. but I am not. I just want to hide and not be with anyone. Nobody needs to see me this way .. nobody needs to be worried, people have their own problems as well and don't need one more just because I'm heart broken and cannot deal with it.

Life isn't easy and no one is happy all the time, it is impossible and it's okay because life would probably borrying otherwise. Everyone needs some adventure, some adrenaline, pain in order to create their personality. It just didn't have to be so unfair .. There should be an equilibrium. But, it's okay .. I guess as long as the ones we love are happy and healthy we should be happy too.

I'm so worried about my exams as well .. got so much to study. Today I got some things done but I've been struggling to .. So unmotivated. I feel like I need to be sad, devastated and let it all out in order to be okay. I just can't do that .. I don't have the time. I guess in time things will get better ..